Confessions Of A Crazed Sugar Addict

Sugar makes me nuts! I crave it for no reason. I can hardly control myself when I’m in a certain mood, or it is in front of me, or I need it like a heroin addict needs a fix. Frankly, some days I wish I could just shoot butter cream frosting into my veins. I think it would be less painful.

Insane thoughts go through my head when I need a sugar fix.  I cannot talk myself off the ledge once I hit that point. Am I insane?

For many years I blamed my sugar addiction on my abandonment of alcohol. When I really started to think about it, I think food, or anything that metabolizes like sugar, complex carbs, refined sugar did get me high. 

Even as a kid I used sugar to get me out of my own head. I have come to see that my sugar/food addiction started when I was very young. Maybe a little trauma helped bring it on, but I remember when the sugar switch flipped for me.

I now believe sugar is the gateway drug. When you turn a year old you get a whole cake shoved in your face, then you bury your head in it, and you are never the same again. You constantly seek sugar out. When you are a child you cant get enough!

Why, even when we are children, do we need something to take the edge off?

I am really surprised I don't weigh 400 lbs. When I am on a compulsive binge I cannot stop. My mother makes these nut goodie bars at Christmas, (I might dream about them all year, but I will never admit it!) Most people (normies) can only eat a small sliver because these bars are so rich, oh not me. I could eat half the pan, barely stopping for a breath. It is really sick.  But mostly when I eat like that it's in the closet. It would be easier to be a closet lesbian! Yes, most compulsive overeaters are in the closet. Not like you can hide it, because it shows on your a$$!

Big moist brownies with chocolate frosting...... oh yes I am abstaining from refined sugar/ processed refined foods. I have to tell you it’s a bitch! One day at a f$%^&* time!

Why oh why can't this be easier? Why do I have this defect?

I understand the plight of overweight people. I get it people! It is a fight every day about choices and unfortunately you cant give up food. I like all or nothing, that seems to work for me.  The health risk of this behavior is your life, at best. 

What does it take for me to control this issue that afflicts me on a moment to moment basis? Help I have fallen and I cant get up! I’ve really started to see how this affects my overall life balance. It is no wonder I feel disconnected all the time.  Even though I do Pilates and my muscles are connected, it feels like my soul, heart and head are all going different directions.

Doing regular meditation is really helping and I am a twelve stepper all the way!

I am working on keeping control through prayer and meditation.

I went to mingle with the food Nazis the other night. Those bitches are hardcore. I felt the need to turn my will (Because I am a willful little bitch.) over to the fatties and the pukers. Oh the shame and embarrassment of it all. I really believed I had dealt with my shame but this crap runs deep.